After talkin' to mi heartbroken uncle, an' hearin' how he's puttin' on a brave face every time he steps out into de $#&%@ freezin' London streets to rebuild what some triflin' gold-digger stole from him, it occurred to mi: these days, love sucks wif a straw where singles are concerned. Yeah, singles are free agents, they don't have to answer to anybody except God & de gov't, they keep odd hours, they flirt freely 'cause there's no wife to get mad at 'em, but at de end ov it all, they must battle this paranoia: who's just tryin' to use me? Ah mean, isn't that de world we live in? Ah know I'm no expert on de datin' scene (Mr. Pig an' I knew we were meant to marry from ah was 20 years old, an' over a dozen years later, we still believe we were right. Others didn't believe us then, but they've since shut up. PTL!), but de single life seems rougher an' rougher out there.
Point is, de world gets more materialistic by de second, an' that affects some people more than others. If you're not one who's drawn to de vanity, then you just might be a sittin' duck for those who want to con a sentimental schmuck. I'm glad I'm spoken for. Why? 'Cause I'm such a sentimental schmuck. Yes, I am. Truth is truth, an' I'm not ashamed to say it. Ah still melt when mi husband sneaks up behind mi an' puts a likkle kiss on mi neck. To me, that's priceless. And I just cannot imagine people goin' through these displays ov affection, knowin' deep down that their only concern is how much money they can con out ov de person who's weak for them. Those money-mongers are savages! Mi husband's lucky too, 'cause he's just as sentimental as De Piggy. However, mi equally sentimental uncle's not so lucky. As de sayin' goes, him pick an' pick, soh 'til him pick shet. Tough. There just has to be some sure-fire way ov weedin' out de users an' gold-diggers, aside from just plain old intuition. There's got to be a strategy to sussin' them out, an' castin' them aside from they bat that first eye-lash at yu. Time doesn't always tell, yu know, some-time it tell' too late! Singles, ah fink there should be a datin' resume--more precise than datin'-service profiles. De resume should contain totally updated med records, profiles ov ex-lovers, any short- & long-term goals, work history, family profile (in case de relatives are in league wif de gold-digger, like mi uncle's ex's relatives were), and an essay outlinin' habits, fitness facts, and any idiosyncrasy. This docket-resume should be notarized by a JP or notary public or any official who can bind de dater to what he/she's got on paper and penalize fraud. Some bandoolu ones woulda still slip through, but for de most part, it would put crucial info up front. Seems way ahead ov its time, ah know, but don't yu feel it's a good idea?